Lady Gaga Has Ruined Music Videos

…by making everyone else look shit.

I have a serious problem and it is all Lady Gaga’s fault. ‘Telephone’, with Beyoncé, has ruined everything for me. You see, ‘Telephone’ was the kind of video that stands tall with some of the greatest of all time, but what this means is that whenever I see a new video, by Lady Gaga or by any other modern artist, I always end up comparing it unfavourably to that masterpiece. ‘Till The World Ends’? Great but no ‘Telephone’. ‘All The Lovers’? Great but no ‘Telephone’. ‘Judas’? Great but no ‘Telephone’.

‘Judas’ is my favourite Gaga video in, well, two videos, but it seems like ‘Telephone’ (how many times can I say that title – I think I’m going for the world record) was about ten years ago and ‘Alejandro’/'Born This Way’ – GOOD AS THEY WERE – just didn’t do it for me, videowise. I can see myself watching ‘Judas’ more than once or twice, which is always a good thing, and I’m glad to see that things are a lot more interesting, in regards to concept and execution, this time around. She also looks amazing. The song is also still one of her best ever. I also like spotting her regular dancers (such as “Lettuce Head” – you know who I’m talking about – from ‘Telephone’).

Plus I like this biker thing she’s doing because it reminds me of Cher in Mask.

Cher in Mask. What more could you want in a human being?

Just Killed Another Fashion Model, It’s A Mild Day: The ‘Monster’ Video Has Arrived

Warning: video will probably be deleted in like five seconds.

First things first (I’ll eat your brains… sorry), this is not quite the finished video yet. Second things second, this isn’t the classic I was hoping for. It’s no ‘What It Feels Like For A Girl’ or ‘Thriller’ or even a ‘Work’ by Ciara (which was absolutely a classic video and I’ll hear nothing to the contrary), but it does succeed on a number of levels. Here they are.

Level 1: Giving Nicki Minaj Something Amazing To Do

It is a known fact that Nicki’s verse on ‘Monster’ is the best part of the song and praise Kanyesus because it’s the best part of the video too. It seems like Monster Nicki has captured her Pink Girly counterpart, which is an interesting concept that also got played out on her album track ‘Dear Old Nicki’. What follows is DOUBLE THE NICKI, which could never be considered a bad thing.

Level 2: Possible Unintended/Subtle Humour

I thought Kanye moving the hands of the dead models he’s in bed with was a funny touch but maybe it wasn’t intended that way – and of course, there is always Nicki’s facial expressions.

Level 3: Everybody Is In It

How terrible would it have been if Jay-Z couldn’t do it or something and they had to do something else while his verse was on? Even Rick Ross is here and he only has four lines.

Level 4: The Atmosphere Fits The Song Perfectly

‘Monster’ was one of my songs of the year so it would have been disappointing to see them get the video wrong, but they did a very good job of complementing the track and all the things that made it so great. This is such a visual song, and I’ve been pretty much seeing a fake video in my head for the past few months while listening to it, and this video is fairly close in terms of look and feel to what I felt the video should be like.

Level 5: We Get Close-Ups Of Kanye’s Diamond Teeth

One day I’ll have diamond teeth, until then I can print out a screenshot of Kanye’s mouth and glue the bit of paper the screenshot is printed on to my own teeth. Raaahhhh, I’mma a motherfucking… weirdo.