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Mother’s Day Gift Idea: 101 Housework Songs – A Soundtrack For Suburban Hell

101 Housework Songs.

At my local K-Mart, a very depressing place where the shelves are almost bare and the cut-price easter eggs are plentiful, they seem to have ordered about 4000 copies of 101 Housework Songs. The “101″ compilation series is actually pretty good, especially their decade-centric sets. 5CDs full of actual hits for about twenty dollars. Barg.

However, this may be one step too far. Even the cover, depicting a washing machine, is annoying. The full tracklisting can be found here (and I suppose you could buy it there if you want), and it contains a few curiosities. I think the songs can be split into these categories:

Songs About Actual Housework Or Work In General:

Dolly Parton – ’9 To 5′
Donna Summer – ‘She Works Hard For The Money’
Rose Royce – ‘Car Wash’
Sheena Easton – ‘Morning Train (Nine To Five)’
John Farnham – ‘Sadie (The Cleaning Lady)’

So none of those are actually about housework but they are really the only songs out of 101 that would fit on a compilation specifically about work or menial stuff or cleaning or whatever.

Songs Of Female Empowerment:

Pussycat Dolls – ‘I Don’t Need A Man’
Kelly Clarkson – ‘Miss Independent’
Alicia Keys – ‘Superwoman’
Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin – ‘Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves’

Unfortunately these songs are placed alongside…

Songs About Being A Slave:

Britney Spears – ‘I’m A Slave 4 U’

Oh lord.

Songs About Sex That Happen To Reference Working So They Got Thrown In:

Kelly Rowland – ‘Work’

Songs From “Chick Flicks”:

LeAnn Rimes – ‘Can’t Fight The Moonlight’
Cher – ‘The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s In His Kiss)’

Presumably included so the lady (and let’s face it, this compilation assumes every single person doing housework is a lady) can think about how much more fun she’d be having watching a film rather than doing this fucking washing up.

Weird:

Marvin Gaye – ‘Sexual Healing’

“Gosh I’d much rather be having sex on this bed that I’m making.”

Another Inappropriate Song To Include Alongside ‘I Don’t Need A Man’:

Tammy Wynette – ‘Stand By Your Man’

“This compilation of housework songs sure does send out mixed messages about feminism.”

Songs That Have Nothing To Do With Housework At All, Not Even A Little Bit:

Pink – ‘So What’
Lady Gaga ft. Beyoncé – ‘Telephone’
Katy Perry – ‘Hot N Cold’
Almost every other song

“I’m so glad I paid twenty dollars for this collection of songs I could hear over and over if I just switched on my radio!”

Songs About Desperately Wanting To Do Something Else Other Than Housework:

Cyndi Lauper – ‘Girls Just Want To Have Fun’

“This song reminds me of how fun scrubbing the toilet is!”

Songs About Desperately Wanting To Take Control Of Your Destiny:

Talk Talk – ‘It’s My Life’

“Why does this housework CD keep reminding me how unfulfilled I am?”

Songs About Relationships On The Rocks:

Pat Benatar – ‘Love is A Battlefield’

“I hate my husband, I really do.”

Songs About Those Awful Men:

TLC – ‘No Scrubs’

“I don’t know what a scrub is but I don’t like it either, T-Boz! I’m throwing this fucking vaccuum and these fucking rubber gloves out the fucking window!”

Songs About How Great It Would Be To Have A Different Existence:

The Beach Boys – ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice’

“IT WOULD BE NICE, BEACH BOYS. IT WOULD. I HATE MY LIFE.”

Songs About Roaring:

Helen Reddy – ‘I Am Woman’

“I’M TAKING THE KIDS AND GOING FAR FAR AWAY”

The Final Straw:

Bobby McFerrin – ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy’

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!”

Welcome To (A Short Review Of) Burlesque

January 21, 2011 1 comment

It’s really not very surprising that I loved Burlesque with all my heart. I had basically already judged the film to be brilliant back when it was announced. But there is so much to enjoy here both from a camp, making-fun-of-it perspective and a serious, is-this-actually-entertaining perspective.

Of all the pop singers turned actors, Cher has always been the best, and has delivered performances in films like Mask, Moonstruck and Mermaids that stand strongly alongside other acclaimed actresses of her era. She managed to do what few female popstars have ever done, and that is create an acting career that wasn’t seen as a complete joke. I could honestly see Christina Aguilera follow in her footsteps. Christina isn’t mindblowing in Burlesque but she does much better than I thought she would with the dialogue and the story. I was able to lose myself in her performance – I wasn’t watching Christina Aguilera play a part, I was actually watching a character. That is something Cher was also able to do, and while Burlesque isn’t on par with her best film work it is still a triumphant return to acting after twelve years away from the screen. The supporting players – Stanley Tucci, Kristen Bell, Cam Gigandet, Alan Cumming, Eric Dane, Peter Gallagher, Julianne Hough – are almost all known mainly from TV shows, and could have been really shaky in this already unstable film environment, but are all pretty much perfect for their roles and make for excellent diversions for when we’re not listening to Christina wail or marvelling at the fact that Cher is in her sixties.

Being a musical, Burlesque depends almost entirely on the songs, and thankfully all of them are pretty brilliant, both vocally and visually. Christina sounds much more comfortable here than she does on most of her own recent work, and Cher’s decade of constant live performance has made her voice even stronger than it was before. Her big number, ‘You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me’, is (for me at least) an instant movie-musical classic.

The story is so, so predictable but that’s not really what anyone is going to see this movie for. A few laughs, a few moments that will make long-time fans of the lead actresses have a fit, and some really great songs. If you only see one musical about a Los Angeles club starring two legends* this year, Burlesque should be it.

*Cher and Cher’s hair.

Things To Look Forward To In 2011

January 1, 2011 Leave a comment

2011 is here. We can now look back on 2010 and keep it forever in our hearts as the year in pop culture where, compared to 2009, nothing happened.

What do we have to look forward to now? Actually, it seems like a lot, and that’s just from the confirmed new projects coming from some amazing artists this year. Add in rumoured stuff and we’re on our way to a year of such astounding brilliance that it will never be surpassed and could not possibly disappoint. Here are some of the things that are coming in 2011:

THE GREATEST ALBUM OF ALL TIME (ACCORDING TO LADY GAGA)

Lady Gaga has really been hyping up her new album Born This Way, and I’ll be watching eagerly to see how this era is handled and how drastic the inevitable reinvention will be. What I definitely want from this era is

1. Amazing songs (duh)
2. New hair
3. No deluxe reissue eight months after the first release (unless it’s an old album + new album arrangement like The Fame Monster) but a remix/live album instead

‘Born This Way’ (the single) is out February 13 and the album follows in May.

HOLD IT AGAINST ME

Britney waves goodbye to every other pretender releasing an album in 2011

Best song ever or GTFO.

NEW ALBUMS FROM A WHOLE HOST OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE A TRACK RECORD OF BRILLIANCE

Madonna, widely recognised as the greatest living pop artist on Earth, will release an album and even if it stinks I’ll be sure to fall over myself praising it to the high heavens. She should make sure that it is as good as the first album, Like A Prayer, Ray Of Light and American Life without sounding like any of those albums. She should get me to be executive producer. I’m unknown! I’m fresh (due to being unknown)! Someone get Guy Oseary on the phone immediately.

Pictured above with some other girl, Cher might just deliver her first album in a decade this year, and I really hope those rumours about it being a rock album are true. As amazing as her dance years were, I do not want her to come back with autotune at the ready because the sound she pioneered is now dated. What she needs is to remind people that she actually has one of the best voices in the history of pop. Stuff like ‘You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me’ except with more guitar and less clothes.

The new Darren Hayes album will obviously be one of the best of the year.

Unless she gets pregnant, Beyoncé will probably release something this year, and considering that her albums have progressively gotten better, it should be very good indeed. Perhaps an image rehaul is in the near future, not because she needs it but because it’ll be fun? I propose she pulls a Melanie C, cuts off all her hair and releases a rock single. Actually please don’t let that happen.

Also returning after a whole decade (although it’s not like we haven’t heard from Gwen in that time), No Doubt have got me on the edge of my seat anticipating their new album. I’m really excited to see how they will fit into today’s music scene, as they seem like such a touchstone of the late 90s and very early 2000s.


I’m hoping for something in the range of “better than Volta but not as good as Homogenic“.


The new Missy Elliott has to be good, doesn’t it? It will be. I have faith. I have six years worth of pent-up faith.

Rihanna has released something every year since 2005 so I’m guessing that even if we don’t get a new studio album we will get one of the best greatest hits albums of all time, which is almost as exciting. I’m also seeing her live in a few months, so hurray for me.

THE JANET JACKSON TOUR/BOX SET

I will travel to any city in Australia to see Janet Privacy Control-Jackson when she does her Number Ones tour later this year, and the prospect of a box set is looking very real too. You know what would be great in addition to the box set? Remastered albums. Including the first two. Just imagine how great that would be.

THE DOLLY PARTON TOUR

The messiah is likely to tour Australia this year and I’m so excited that I might collapse.

QUEEN GETS THEIR CATALOGUE REISSUED

I’m finally going to expand my Queen collection beyond the three hits albums!

THE KYLIE MINOGUE ACOUSTIC ALBUM

Kylie Minogue‘s voice just gets better and better and hopefully this planned album of stripped down hits will send her in a quieter, darker direction. I want another Impossible Princess except completely different but kinda the same, dammit!

SOME MICHAEL JACKSON THING

I’m sure there’ll be a new Michael Jackson project this year, and if I may, I shall propose the following ideas:

1. The full ‘Ghosts’ video on DVD
2. Any tours or shows that were filmed to an acceptable standard released on DVD, especially the Bad and HIStory tours
3. An American release of the Moonwalker DVD, which the rest of the world has had for a few years now
4. Remastered and expanded versions of at least Off The Wall, Bad and Dangerous, a bit like Thriller 25 but no new collaborations. Feel free to also remaster and expand the other Epic albums but that probably won’t happen (yet).
5. A straight-up demo collection rather than another album like Michael (which I still think was great)
6. A re-release of the Moonwalker arcade game

THE RETURN OF GIRLS ALOUD


SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP *sticks fingers in ears* IT WILL HAPPEN IT WILL LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU

(And if it doesn’t happen, there’s always the Nicola album)

Quotation Quorner: Cher

December 29, 2010 Leave a comment

“J.Lo and Britney and all those girls, you know… anyway, if you wanna know the truth, why I wanted to make it so fabulous? I have a motive, okay. And that is, I thought, I’m gonna make this show so fabulous, and then I’m gonna say follow this, you bitches.

But I mean that with humility and love. You know how I am…

Okay so, ladies and gentlemen! And flamboyant gentlemen! Boys and girls and children of all ages! Welcome to the Cherest show on earth! And this is the official beginning of the Cher show right now, and follow this, you bitches.”

The 100 Best Songs Of 2010: #50-41

December 18, 2010 Leave a comment

MICHAEL JACKSON

‘Hollywood Tonight’

from the album Michael

This is one of the tracks from the new album that could, in theory, have been a hit single were it to be released while Michael was alive. ‘Hollywood Tonight’ opens with a dark churchy type sample thing that makes you think this is going to be a distressing ballad like ‘Who Is It?’, but it then explodes into a beat that is more like ‘Can’t Let Her Get Away’ or ‘She Drives The Wild’. A classic MJ chorus is present here, even if it isn’t lyrically adventurous, and though there are some missteps – that monologue – you can feel that this really might have been mindblowing if it had been properly finished (i.e. with Michael involved). But all we can do is appreciate the fact that it still sounds so good in this state.

JANET JACKSON

‘Nothing’

from the album Why Did I Get Married Too?: Original Soundtrack

As much as I love Janet’s filth, I had been mourning the lack of proper, big ballads on her albums from the last decade. There were slow songs – way too many of them, even – but none of them had a strong melody or memorable lyrics. I might even go out on a limb and say that ‘Nothing’ is the best Janet ballad since ‘Again’, almost twenty years ago. A slight, uncomplicated production and a gentle vocal performance make ‘Nothing’ such a nice, easy listen, and I can’t help but notice the lyrics that coincide with ‘Nothing’ being one of Janet’s first releases since the death of her brother. From “the past is something I can’t change/It’s a brand new day” to “cherish every moment like it’s our last” – it becomes there is more to ‘Nothing’ than just a song quickly recorded for a soundtrack.

ROBBIE WILLIAMS & GARY BARLOW

‘Shame’

from the album In And Out Of Consciousness: The Greatest Hits 1990-2010

I don’t really care about the Robbie/Gary saga – boring – but ‘Shame’ is a great song even removed from its real-world implications. A slightly countrified ballad with light acoustic guitar and perfectly blended vocals, Bob and Gaz trade slightly awkward pleasantries, occasionally joining the other to emphasis a wise word or two. The opening line about the versions of the truth is one of my favourite lyrics of the year, the lyric about Toys-R-Us was misunderstood, I love the chorus and the video was amazing.

JANELLE MONÁE ft. BIG BOI

‘Tightrope’

from the album The ArchAndroid: Suites II & III

From the wail at the start you know ‘Tightrope’ is going to be something else, and with its sister ‘Cold War’ it forms the nucleus of The ArchAndroid. Big Boi steps in to give Janelle a hand but it becomes apparent she doesn’t need it. She commands the horns, struts all over the beat, and grabs you by the face and doesn’t let go until the song is over. And, as a bonus, “we call that classy brass” is surely one of the top 100 spoken word bits of 2010.

KANYE WEST ft. PUSHA T

‘Runaway’

from the album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Starting with a plink-plonk piano and developing into a dark, claustrophobic beat, Kanye West’s ‘Runaway’ is the centrepiece of Dark Twisted Fantasy, running for nine minutes. It is the child of sprawling epics like ‘Say You Will’ from the last album, but this is more inclusive, a singalong rather than a lament (though ‘Say You Will’ is still better). Thousands upon thousands of words have been written about ‘Runaway’ already, and there’s not much more I can add rather than saying that I didn’t think much of ‘Runaway’ when it debuted, but now hearing it within the album in its extended version, it all makes sense. ‘Power’ might be the “superhero theme music” but ‘Runaway’ is the dissection of the superhero mindset.

PINK

‘Raise Your Glass’

from the album Greatest Hits… So Far!!!

Yes, ‘Raise Your Glass’ is simple and plays into the fact that everybody likes to think of themselves as an outsider, as “wrong in all the right ways”. But when it sounds so good, who cares how transparent it is? Like a summation of the persona that made Pink the Queen of Australia and one of the biggest popstars in the world. From “dealio” to the bit where pretends to fuck up the lyrics, ‘Raise Your Glass’ is a hell of a lot of fun, made for blanket radio play and yet it still manages to feel like a secret thing just for Pink fans – ignoring the fact that everybody and their Nana is a Pink fan. So grab your Nana, raise your glass and play up any aspect of yourself you can find that goes a bit against the mainstream.

MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS

‘Hollywood’

from the album The Family Jewels

For those outside the country, especially those interested in the entertainment industry, America can look like a whole other world. Here, Marina deconstructs that obsession through storytelling and massive choruses, which is what she does best. “Hollywood infected your brain” she sings to a character in the verse, but then in the next few lines the tables are turned: it is, in fact, Marina who has been infected. The explosion of the chorus makes this more than just an intelligent pop song, it makes it a really fun one as well, and of course this has to be one of the greatest moments of the year: “Oh my god, you look just like Shakira/No, no, you’re Catherine Zeta/AKSHULLEE my name’s Marina”.

CHER

‘You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me’

from the album Burlesque: Original Soundtrack

What a thrill it is to hear Cher singing like this after almost a decade without any new songs. The best thing about ‘You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me’ is the obvious real-world significance it has: at 64 and still working in an industry where 40 is considered over the hill, lines like “don’t count me out just yet” mean just as much to the queen of comebacks as it does to her character in Burlesque. There is a hint of vulnerability (“I am far from over” is a little shaky, as if she isn’t so sure herself) but it is that balance between uncertaintly and strength that makes this a classic, powerful Cher ballad that is fit to stand alongside ‘After All’, ‘The Way Of Love’ and ‘Just Like Jesse James’ in her catalogue. The dance remixes are incredible too.

KANYE WEST ft. RIHANNA, KID CUDI, TONY WILLIAMS, THE-DREAM, CHARLIE WILSON, JOHN LEGEND, ELLY JACKSON, ALICIA KEYS, ELTON JOHN, FERGIE, RYAN LESLIE, DRAKE, ALVIN FIELDS & KEN LEWIS

‘All Of The Lights’

from the album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Starting off with a haunting piano interlude, ‘All Of The Lights’ has received a lot of attention due to the ridiculous amount of artists credited (of which only like three or four are actually audible), but the real story is how good the song is despite all signs pointing to it being a mess. Rihanna leads the chorus, but Kanye steals his own show, exploring the problems of a questionable character not unlike the ones he explored back on The College Dropout. Using Michael Jackson’s death as the beginning of a spiral into darkness, ‘All Of The Lights’ is much darker that the title or family singalong vibe would allow you to believe.

TRACEY THORN

‘Oh, The Divorces!’

from the album Love And Its Opposite

Tracey described Love And Its Opposite as an exploration of “real life after forty”, and ‘Oh, The Divorces!’ was the first single and mission statement. Over a simple, sad melody, we hear internal conversations, public gossiping, investigations into missing text messages and finger pointing. The blame game is presented as a sport for groups of friends: “that one was his fault, and this one is her fault” – but the depressing reality beyond the initial shock is not ignored. “The honeymoon/The wedding rings/The afternoon handovers by the swings” might be the most depressing lyrical imagery I’ve heard in a long time.

The 26 Best Albums Of 2010: #20. Original Soundtrack – Burlesque

December 10, 2010 Leave a comment

Released November 22, 2010

1. Something’s Got A Hold On Me – Christina Aguilera
2. Welcome To Burlesque – Cher
3. Tough Lover – Christina Aguilera
4. But I Am A Good Girl – Christina Aguilera
5. Guy What Takes His Time – Christina Aguilera
6. Express – Christina Aguilera
7. You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me – Cher
8. Bound To You – Christina Aguilera
9. Show Me How You Burlesque – Christina Aguilera
10. The Beautiful People – Christina Aguilera

I haven’t seen Burlesque yet but I’ve already decided it’s the best film ever. Going by the soundtrack, the plot of the film involves Cher and some other girl dancing and singing for a few hours for some reason. And the result is, of course, amazing.

Cher’s two tracks here are totally the best songs on this very short album (about thirty minutes). The first, ‘Welcome To Burlesque’ is, as you may have guessed, an introduction to the club at the centre of the plot, and she shows us that she can still be sexy well into her sixties. The other Cher track, ‘You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me’, is a showcase for her still-stunning voice, and for the first time since ‘Walking In Memphis’ we get a proper big Cher ballad, with no Auto-Tune to be found (not that there’s anything wrong with that – in the right setting).

Oh, and also Christina Aguilera sings some stuff too. Her contributions are very good, a bit Back To Basics, but not as boring, and the focus here seems to be on actual proper songs and not just pretending it’s the 40s. ‘Show Me How You Burlesque’ and ‘Express’ are highlights, and ‘Bound To You’ is a gorgeous ballad that would have fit into the underrated Bionic. All round a very solid album for what promises to be a Citizen Kane-style cinematic experience.

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