Welcome To (A Short Review Of) Burlesque

It’s really not very surprising that I loved Burlesque with all my heart. I had basically already judged the film to be brilliant back when it was announced. But there is so much to enjoy here both from a camp, making-fun-of-it perspective and a serious, is-this-actually-entertaining perspective.

Of all the pop singers turned actors, Cher has always been the best, and has delivered performances in films like Mask, Moonstruck and Mermaids that stand strongly alongside other acclaimed actresses of her era. She managed to do what few female popstars have ever done, and that is create an acting career that wasn’t seen as a complete joke. I could honestly see Christina Aguilera follow in her footsteps. Christina isn’t mindblowing in Burlesque but she does much better than I thought she would with the dialogue and the story. I was able to lose myself in her performance – I wasn’t watching Christina Aguilera play a part, I was actually watching a character. That is something Cher was also able to do, and while Burlesque isn’t on par with her best film work it is still a triumphant return to acting after twelve years away from the screen. The supporting players – Stanley Tucci, Kristen Bell, Cam Gigandet, Alan Cumming, Eric Dane, Peter Gallagher, Julianne Hough – are almost all known mainly from TV shows, and could have been really shaky in this already unstable film environment, but are all pretty much perfect for their roles and make for excellent diversions for when we’re not listening to Christina wail or marvelling at the fact that Cher is in her sixties.

Being a musical, Burlesque depends almost entirely on the songs, and thankfully all of them are pretty brilliant, both vocally and visually. Christina sounds much more comfortable here than she does on most of her own recent work, and Cher’s decade of constant live performance has made her voice even stronger than it was before. Her big number, ‘You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me’, is (for me at least) an instant movie-musical classic.

The story is so, so predictable but that’s not really what anyone is going to see this movie for. A few laughs, a few moments that will make long-time fans of the lead actresses have a fit, and some really great songs. If you only see one musical about a Los Angeles club starring two legends* this year, Burlesque should be it.

*Cher and Cher’s hair.

Meanwhile In Louisiana

*RANG RANG*

“WHAT’S UP Y’ALL”

“Er, yes, may I speak to Miss Britney Spears, please?”

“It’s me! Is that you Chrissy?”

“Yes Britney it’s me, Golden Globe nominee Christina Aguilera. Listen I just-

“How have you been?! Sorry about the divorce and all that, but I saw your new movie the other day! You were great as the aging club owner.”

“What?”

“Anyway Britney I just wanted to congratulate you on your new single, it sounds great.”

“Aw, thanks y’a-

“So who produced it? Like, I’m probably going to focus on films for the next few years so I’m not asking so I can work with them, I was just interested because it sounded so much better than your last single. Oh wait a second before you tell me just let me get a pen.”

“Well, at first I worked with Starbo Hoopenloffer, who is like really hot right now and worked with Katy Perry and Rihanna, then I was writing with Yosemite Radishini, who wrote ‘Fuck You’ for Cee Lo, and we put the two together and took it to Xonius V, this really hot underground New York producer who put the finishing touches on the song.”

“Starbo, Yosemite, Xonius… oh yeah I know all those guys. Anyway, I must be off, I think Cher or Madonna or another one of my fellow legends is at the door. Goodbye Britney.”

*CLICK*

The 100 Best Songs Of 2010: #60-51

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

‘Not Myself Tonight’

from the album Bionic

I feel pretty bad for everyone involved with ‘Not Myself Tonight’, because I assume they lived with the song for so long that they came to understand how good it really was, but it is very much a “grower”. In an age where many people will listen to a song once on YouTube before making a decision on how good or bad it is, ‘Not Myself Tonight’ was destined to sound underwhelming. But there are so many little bits here that take time to make themselves known: “I don’t give a OWWW”, the rapid fire bridge, that middle eight where Christina gets to have a proper wail – only for it to be broken up by an electro stutter, not to mention the chorus, which followed me around in my head for weeks before I gave in and admitted that it was, like the rest of this song, actually amazing.

ROBYN

‘Hang With Me’

from the album Body Talk Pt. 2

This might have the best chorus of all the Body Talk singles, coasting along on Robyn’s trademark bleeps with just the right amount of weariness and excitement. While she plays the victim on ‘Be Mine!’ and ‘Dancing On My Own’, on ‘Hang With Me’ Robyn takes charge of the relationship. This time she’ll be one breaking hearts. “I know what’s on your mind/There will be time for that too/If you hang with me” – perhaps in the past, rampant sexual desire led to an unstable relationship, and that won’t be happening again. But does she really want to “hang” with this guy for ages just to protect her own heart? There’s a hint in the uncertainty of that vocal.

EMINEM ft. LIL’ WAYNE

‘No Love’

from the album Recovery

One of the most chilling moments on Recovery, ‘No Love’ bases itself around a Haddaway sample and strikes a perfect balance between the trademark styles of both Eminem and Lil’ Wayne. The first half sees Wayne laidback but disappointed, betrayed and yet confident, ready to cut out anyone who crosses him. His icy demeanour is threatening enough, but Eminem goes even harder, trading Wayne’s cool for intense anger, in true Slim Shady style. The slight failure of Relapse seemed to spurn Eminem into some of his most vicious raps in 2010, at least in delivery if not lyrics, and ‘No Love’ is one of the best songs he lent his voice to this year.

PROFESSOR GREEN ft. LILY ALLEN

‘Just Be Good To Green’

from the album Alive Till I’m Dead

Like a good pair of leads in a film, Professor Green and Lily Allen exploit their characters so well in ‘Just Be Good To Green’, playing off each other and disappearing so far into their chosen personas that it almost becomes parody. Apart from their vocal duel, one of the most underrated aspects of ‘Just Be Good To Green’ is the instrumental, which takes tiny little elements from the retro revival from a few years back, mixes them with a hip-hop beat and then lifts it all up into the chorus perfectly. That we get lines delivered as wonderfully as the “I ain’t never gonna change, are you ever gonna realise?” bit is just a bonus.

KE$HA

‘Take It Off’

from the album Animal

In an explosion of Auto-Tuned bliss, ‘Take It Off’ explodes out of the speakers, grabs you by the neck and slams you face first into the dance floor. Watch out there aren’t any stray bottles down there though, because that could hurt. With one of the classic screamalong choruses of the year, you forget all the questions that come with this song (why isn’t anybody slipping over in all that glitter on the floor? does she ever brush her teeth with a toothbr-oh wait that was ‘Tik Tok’) and just lose yourself like Eminem in 8 Mile.

BENNY BENASSI ft. KELIS, APL.DE.AP & JEAN-BAPTISTE

‘Spaceship’

In just over three minutes, we get the only Benny Benassi single to catch my attention since ‘Able To Love’, featuring Apl.De.Ap in the best thing he’s been involved in since ‘Boom Boom Pow’, and Kelis in her best song since… well, the last amazing one. This is a club song, for sure, with those endless repetitions of “get high”, but Kelis gives it a bit of a “mystical” twist with her floaty vocals, which suit the track perfectly and elevate it above your average dance floor anthem.

HURTS

‘Better Than Love’

from the album Happiness

The deep, dramatic vocals, the soaring chorus, the frantic ‘I Feel Love’-style bits: it’s all been said before I need to say it again, this is totally eighties. Like the atmosphere of Tears For Fears had a baby with the pop sensibilities of Culture Club, which then grew up to marry early Eurythmics, ‘Better Than Love’ manages to be an affectionate nod to the sounds of yesteryear while never sounding like a mere tribute. Buried underneath all the “is this from 1983 or 2010?” is a really, really fantastic song.

MICHAEL JACKSON

‘Much Too Soon’

from the album Michael

As I said in my review of Michael, ‘Much Too Soon’ lives up to that simple title. We all know Michael and his producers had a tendency to overproduce – for better and for worse, usually better – but on ‘Much Too Soon’, there is not too much to speak of other than a quiet few instruments and Michael’s voice. Like one of his classic Motown ballads, except with his adult voice, ‘Much Too Soon’ is lyrically slight and vocally very fragile and subtle. “And would you like to go with me?/And she answered no to me” is an awkwardly structured pair of lines but it works so well with the other elements of the song – it is perhaps the most “classic Michael” moment on the new album.

JANELLE MONÁE

‘Cold War’

from the album The ArchAndroid: Suites II & III

‘Cold War’ and ‘Tightrope’ are like part one and part two, and while ‘Tightrope’ is cooler and more relaxed, ‘Cold War’ screeches along on huge, amazing drums, while Janelle rampages over the top. “This is a cooooold waaar, you better know what you’re fighting for” she tells us, and while guitars appear for a quick solo here and there, instruments and beats drop in and out all over the place. A complicated hot mess, ‘Cold War’ was one of the most exhilirating singles of the year.

MASSIVE ATTACK & TUNDE ADEBIMPE

‘Pray For Rain’

from the album Heligoland

The standout track on Heligoland was the album opener, which manages to translate that feeling of an impending storm into music. Featuring vocals from TV On The Radio’s Tunde Adebimpe, the song unfolds slowly and quietly, with lyrics full of beautiful imagery and an insistent drum pattern which guides everything forward. Reminiscent of the best tracks from 100th Window, like ‘Butterfly Caught’, ‘Future Proof’ and ‘A Prayer For England’, ‘Pray For Rain’ uses haunting vocals to build an otherworldly atmosphere like only Massive Attack can.

The 100 Best Songs Of 2010: #90-81

DAFT PUNK

‘The Game Has Changed’

from the album TRON Legacy: Original Soundtrack

One of the most thrilling little sections of the album, ‘The Game Has Changed’ charges forward in a storm of drums and strings, with electronic effects poured in at just the right times to make it all the more exciting. This perfectly captures tension and intensity, portraying a whole range of emotions and making this a clear highlight of a fantastic record.

LADY ANTEBELLUM

‘American Honey’

from the album Need You Now

This shares many elements with ‘Need You Now’ without sounding like a retread at all: the intertwined males and female voices, the pop approach with charming countrified twang, the impressive and catchy melody. It was a no-brainer for second single and became their third straight country number one and third straight single to reach the top thirty of the Hot 100. And they would have been the country crossover story of the year, if it wasn’t for that pesky Taylor Swift.

T.I. ft. CHRISTINA AGUILERA

‘Castle Walls’

from the album No Mercy

Oh boo hoo. That was my initial reaction to ‘Castle Walls’, in which T.I. and Christina Aguilera lament the life of the rich and famous, which really isn’t a subject many of us can relate to (although I’m sure it’s fascinating for them). I don’t think it will hurt this in the long run though, because as soon as you get past the theme you’ll find a worthy sequel to the melacholy classics that came from Paper Trail, ‘Live Your Life’ and ‘Dead And Gone’. Christina gives one of her most understated and emotional vocal performances, and shows a side of her voice that we don’t hear enough. In the grand tradition of ‘Love The Way You Lie’ and ‘Airplanes’, expect ‘Castle Walls’ to dominate radio in early 2011.

RIHANNA ft. DRAKE

‘What’s My Name?’

from the album Loud

This is the closest Rihanna has come to the light atmosphere of ‘If It’s Lovin’ That You Want’ and ‘We Ride’ since we all stood under her umbrella in 2007. ‘Rude Boy’ had the vibe, but it was still so aggressive. Here, she gives the man a chance to “go downtown” without forcibly pushing his head down there and then slapping him across the face with a giant dildo. No, it’s much more relaxed this time, and while Drake’s verse is still perplexing after multiple listens, ‘What’s My Name?’ will be remembered as the purest fun to be had on a Rihanna single since about 2006.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

‘You Lost Me’

from the album Bionic

I love ‘Not Myself Tonight’ but this was still such a joy to hear as second single. In the grand tradition of ‘Hurt’, ‘Beautiful’, ‘I Turn To You’ and ‘The Voice Within’, ‘You Lost Me’ is a big ballad that makes excellent use of Christina’s obvious talents without shoving them down our collective throat. When I first heard Bionic I felt like ‘You Lost Me’ was just another one of the slowies, but it soon presented itself to be a truly amazing song, well written and with an almost perfect vocal performance.

ANNIE LENNOX

‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’

from the album A Christmas Cornucopia

I’d listen to Annie Lennox sing her own shopping list so it comes as no surprise that A Christmas Cornucopia was a joy to behold. Basically every track is a standout because they all employ that wonderful voice but ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’ is especially rich and beautiful, with big drums and big booming Annie and big everything else. Let’s face it, there aren’t many vocalists in pop these days that match her for versatility or pure raw talent. God bless ye Annie Lennox.

B.o.B. ft. HAYLEY WILLIAMS & EMINEM

‘Airplanes Part II’

from the album B.o.B. Presents: The Adventures Of Bobby Ray

The subject of much derision and parody across 2010, ‘Airplanes’ was a huge, huge hit, and is actually a very good song if you look past the overplayed hook (which is still really great even after all that overexposure). As I’ve shown in my love for ‘Castle Walls’ and will show in my love for ‘Love The Way You Lie’, I adore the sad-rapper-sad-female-popstar formula and it is yet to get old for me, especially when the songs are as good as this. Part II is obviously superior to the original thanks to Eminem showing up and making everything that little bit better like he always does.

NICKI MINAJ

‘Girls Fall Like Dominoes’

from the album Pink Friday

Anchored by a huge Big Pink sample which drives the song along, ‘Girls Fall Like Dominoes’ is another chance for Nicki to brag about anything and everything, but you know what? I love listening to Nicki talk about how great she is, because I really believe it. With some other rappers it gets tedious but certain artists keep finding interesting ways to tell us about their strengths. From the namechecking of everyone from Madonna to Beyoncé to Grace Jones to the excellent production from J.R. Rotem, this is one of the best songs on Pink Friday, even if it is “just” a bonus track.

JAY-Z, RIHANNA, BONO & THE EDGE

‘Stranded (Haiti Mon Amour)’

from the album Hope For Haiti Now

Hip-hop king Jay-Z, pop singer Rihanna and rock legends U2 (without the other two)? It seems like an unlikely combination but it works very well and symbolises the unity between genres that comes from an event like Hope For Haiti Now. Rihanna amusingly drowns out Bono a little bit but their joint vocals work very well, while the whole thing is brought together by Jay-Z’s verses. It’s great to hear a charity single that is not just a lazy cover. This was put together with a lot of thought by very talented people, and you can hear that clearly in the final product.

PINK

‘Fuckin’ Perfect’

from the album Greatest Hits… So Far!!!

Both singles from the Pink hits album have been outsider anthems for the ages. ‘Raise Your Glass’ was the one you scream along to, ‘Fuckin’ Perfect’ was made for nights when you feel extra melodramatic (i.e. every night for some of us). In the grand tradition of ‘Don’t Let Me Get Me’, ‘Family Portrait’ and ‘Please Don’t Leave Me’, this wheels out desperate, strained (vocal-wise, I mean) Pink, the one who is sitting on the ground crying, wearing a big tutu-style dress and too much eyeliner like it’s 2002 all over again. All of these things are positives, and ‘Fuckin’ Perfect’ slots in easily with the other classics on Greatest Hits.

The 26 Best Albums Of 2010: #17. Christina Aguilera – Bionic

Released June 4, 2010

1. Bionic
2. Not Myself Tonight
3. Woohoo ft. Nicki Minaj
4. Elastic Love
5. Desnudate
6. Love & Glamour (Intro)
7. Glam
8. Prima Donna
9. Morning Dessert (Intro)
10. Sex For Breakfast
11. Lift Me Up
12. My Heart (Intro)
13. All I Need
14. I Am
15. You Lost Me
16. I Hate Boys
17. My Girls ft. Peaches
18. Vanity
Deluxe edition bonus tracks
19. Monday Morning
20. Bobblehead
21. Birds Of Prey
22. Stronger Than Ever
23. I Am (Stripped)
iTunes bonus track
24. Little Dreamer

So how do we approach a year-end review of the Bionic era? Do we focus on the good or the bad? It wouldn’t be a fair assessment unless we looked at both sides of this hot mess of an album. The bad: it was a commercial disappointment (though it wasn’t as bad as some would have you believe, debuting at number one then falling out of the top twenty is still much better than never making the top twenty in the first place), the singles didn’t take off, Christina seemed to give up way too easily and move onto promotion for her film Burlesque. The good: buried in this overlong collection is an amazing album that could have been one of the biggest and very best of the year.

Remember how we were given the lyrics of ‘Not Myself Tonight’ on Christina’s website before we heard the song? I read the lyrics and thought they were crap, which led me to a clouded view of the song itself. It took me weeks and weeks to realise the song was actually really very good, just not quite a lyrical masterpiece. It’s a great song but not a great lead single: the two best remembered songs from Christina’s last two albums are the ballads ‘Hurt’ and ‘Beautiful’, it seemed obvious that she should have gone for at least a mid-tempo if not a full-on ballad. There are lots of songs here that could have been hit singles: ‘Elastic Love’, ‘Woohoo’, ‘You Lost Me’, ‘Lift Me Up’, but none of them were given a proper chance.

Gah, I wasn’t going to focus on the bad for this review – I really love this album, but I couldn’t for a second praise it for being coherent or tight or well thought out. It’s almost like it turned out so good by accident, no thanks to the people who chose to pack a ridiculous 24 songs onto it or those who chose to promote it badly. Maybe if the album had looked like this…

1. Bionic
2. Not Myself Tonight
3. Woohoo
4. Elastic Love
5. Desnudate
6. Lift Me Up
7. I Am
8. You Lost Me
9. Birds Of Prey

…with your choice of three or so of the other tracks to act as filler between those nine solid gold songs, we could be talking about Christina’s epic year. Instead we’ll just have to settle for an amazing, underrated album.

The 26 Best Albums Of 2010: #20. Original Soundtrack – Burlesque

Released November 22, 2010

1. Something’s Got A Hold On Me – Christina Aguilera
2. Welcome To Burlesque – Cher
3. Tough Lover – Christina Aguilera
4. But I Am A Good Girl – Christina Aguilera
5. Guy What Takes His Time – Christina Aguilera
6. Express – Christina Aguilera
7. You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me – Cher
8. Bound To You – Christina Aguilera
9. Show Me How You Burlesque – Christina Aguilera
10. The Beautiful People – Christina Aguilera

I haven’t seen Burlesque yet but I’ve already decided it’s the best film ever. Going by the soundtrack, the plot of the film involves Cher and some other girl dancing and singing for a few hours for some reason. And the result is, of course, amazing.

Cher’s two tracks here are totally the best songs on this very short album (about thirty minutes). The first, ‘Welcome To Burlesque’ is, as you may have guessed, an introduction to the club at the centre of the plot, and she shows us that she can still be sexy well into her sixties. The other Cher track, ‘You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me’, is a showcase for her still-stunning voice, and for the first time since ‘Walking In Memphis’ we get a proper big Cher ballad, with no Auto-Tune to be found (not that there’s anything wrong with that – in the right setting).

Oh, and also Christina Aguilera sings some stuff too. Her contributions are very good, a bit Back To Basics, but not as boring, and the focus here seems to be on actual proper songs and not just pretending it’s the 40s. ‘Show Me How You Burlesque’ and ‘Express’ are highlights, and ‘Bound To You’ is a gorgeous ballad that would have fit into the underrated Bionic. All round a very solid album for what promises to be a Citizen Kane-style cinematic experience.