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Mother’s Day Gift Idea: 101 Housework Songs – A Soundtrack For Suburban Hell

101 Housework Songs.

At my local K-Mart, a very depressing place where the shelves are almost bare and the cut-price easter eggs are plentiful, they seem to have ordered about 4000 copies of 101 Housework Songs. The “101″ compilation series is actually pretty good, especially their decade-centric sets. 5CDs full of actual hits for about twenty dollars. Barg.

However, this may be one step too far. Even the cover, depicting a washing machine, is annoying. The full tracklisting can be found here (and I suppose you could buy it there if you want), and it contains a few curiosities. I think the songs can be split into these categories:

Songs About Actual Housework Or Work In General:

Dolly Parton – ’9 To 5′
Donna Summer – ‘She Works Hard For The Money’
Rose Royce – ‘Car Wash’
Sheena Easton – ‘Morning Train (Nine To Five)’
John Farnham – ‘Sadie (The Cleaning Lady)’

So none of those are actually about housework but they are really the only songs out of 101 that would fit on a compilation specifically about work or menial stuff or cleaning or whatever.

Songs Of Female Empowerment:

Pussycat Dolls – ‘I Don’t Need A Man’
Kelly Clarkson – ‘Miss Independent’
Alicia Keys – ‘Superwoman’
Eurythmics & Aretha Franklin – ‘Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves’

Unfortunately these songs are placed alongside…

Songs About Being A Slave:

Britney Spears – ‘I’m A Slave 4 U’

Oh lord.

Songs About Sex That Happen To Reference Working So They Got Thrown In:

Kelly Rowland – ‘Work’

Songs From “Chick Flicks”:

LeAnn Rimes – ‘Can’t Fight The Moonlight’
Cher – ‘The Shoop Shoop Song (It’s In His Kiss)’

Presumably included so the lady (and let’s face it, this compilation assumes every single person doing housework is a lady) can think about how much more fun she’d be having watching a film rather than doing this fucking washing up.

Weird:

Marvin Gaye – ‘Sexual Healing’

“Gosh I’d much rather be having sex on this bed that I’m making.”

Another Inappropriate Song To Include Alongside ‘I Don’t Need A Man’:

Tammy Wynette – ‘Stand By Your Man’

“This compilation of housework songs sure does send out mixed messages about feminism.”

Songs That Have Nothing To Do With Housework At All, Not Even A Little Bit:

Pink – ‘So What’
Lady Gaga ft. Beyoncé – ‘Telephone’
Katy Perry – ‘Hot N Cold’
Almost every other song

“I’m so glad I paid twenty dollars for this collection of songs I could hear over and over if I just switched on my radio!”

Songs About Desperately Wanting To Do Something Else Other Than Housework:

Cyndi Lauper – ‘Girls Just Want To Have Fun’

“This song reminds me of how fun scrubbing the toilet is!”

Songs About Desperately Wanting To Take Control Of Your Destiny:

Talk Talk – ‘It’s My Life’

“Why does this housework CD keep reminding me how unfulfilled I am?”

Songs About Relationships On The Rocks:

Pat Benatar – ‘Love is A Battlefield’

“I hate my husband, I really do.”

Songs About Those Awful Men:

TLC – ‘No Scrubs’

“I don’t know what a scrub is but I don’t like it either, T-Boz! I’m throwing this fucking vaccuum and these fucking rubber gloves out the fucking window!”

Songs About How Great It Would Be To Have A Different Existence:

The Beach Boys – ‘Wouldn’t It Be Nice’

“IT WOULD BE NICE, BEACH BOYS. IT WOULD. I HATE MY LIFE.”

Songs About Roaring:

Helen Reddy – ‘I Am Woman’

“I’M TAKING THE KIDS AND GOING FAR FAR AWAY”

The Final Straw:

Bobby McFerrin – ‘Don’t Worry Be Happy’

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!”

The End Of Year ARIA Charts Are Here! Let’s All Look Interested

January 6, 2011 Leave a comment

In boring news, ARIA have released their end of years charts for 2010, and there are few surprises to be had. Eminem and Rihanna had the biggest single of the year, and Pink took the number one album with Greatest Hits… So Far!!!, which I suppose is a bit surprising at first considering it hasn’t been out that long.

The top ten singles of the year:

1. EMINEM ft. RIHANNA – ‘Love The Way You Lie’
2. USHER ft. WILL.I.AM – ‘OMG’
3. TAIO CRUZ – ‘Dynamite’
4. TRAIN – ‘Hey, Soul Sister’
5. KATY PERRY ft. SNOOP DOGG – ‘California Gurls’
6. OWL CITY – ‘Fireflies’
7. RIHANNA – ‘Only Girl (In The World)’
8. BRUNO MARS – ‘Just The Way You Are’
9. KATY PERRY – ‘Teenage Dream’
10. USHER ft. PITBULL – ‘DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love’

Full top 100

I like maybe four or five of those songs, which is a pretty good result, I reckon. You’re never going to love every mega-popular song so I can console myself that I haven’t fallen completely out of touch with the record buying public.

The top ten albums of the year:

1. PINK – Greatest Hits… So Far!!!
2. SUSAN BOYLE – I Dreamed A Dream
3. EMINEM – Recovery
4. BON JOVI – Greatest Hits
5. SUSAN BOYLE – The Gift
6. LADY GAGA – The Fame Monster
7. ANGUS & JULIA STONE – Down The Way
8. MUMFORD & SONS – Sigh No More
9. MICHAEL BUBLÉ – Crazy Love
10. KATY PERRY – Teenage Dream

Full top 100

Pink has been in the top two albums of the year for five years running. Think about that for a second. Five years.

I only own three of these (Pink, Eminem, Gaga) and I might buy Teenage Dream if/when it gets a re-release, and one day I’ll buy the SuBo albums, so I’m counting this as an acceptable top ten. There are a few interesting placements a bit lower – Kylie at 55, Beyoncé’s two-year-old album at 61, The Essential Michael Jackson at 63 (and at number one on the catalogue chart), about twenty positions above Michael, which I’m surprised made it in at all after only a few weeks of muted sales. Pink had the biggest DVD of the year, Annie Lennox’s Christmas album is on the Jazz & Blues chart for some reason, and the Digital Chart track continues to be pointless considering physical singles haven’t made an impact on the proper chart for ages. There is no physical singles end of year chart because they probably struggled to find 40 physical singles that were bought in order to make up a chart.

And there we go.

The 100 Best Songs Of 2010: #50-41

December 18, 2010 Leave a comment

MICHAEL JACKSON

‘Hollywood Tonight’

from the album Michael

This is one of the tracks from the new album that could, in theory, have been a hit single were it to be released while Michael was alive. ‘Hollywood Tonight’ opens with a dark churchy type sample thing that makes you think this is going to be a distressing ballad like ‘Who Is It?’, but it then explodes into a beat that is more like ‘Can’t Let Her Get Away’ or ‘She Drives The Wild’. A classic MJ chorus is present here, even if it isn’t lyrically adventurous, and though there are some missteps – that monologue – you can feel that this really might have been mindblowing if it had been properly finished (i.e. with Michael involved). But all we can do is appreciate the fact that it still sounds so good in this state.

JANET JACKSON

‘Nothing’

from the album Why Did I Get Married Too?: Original Soundtrack

As much as I love Janet’s filth, I had been mourning the lack of proper, big ballads on her albums from the last decade. There were slow songs – way too many of them, even – but none of them had a strong melody or memorable lyrics. I might even go out on a limb and say that ‘Nothing’ is the best Janet ballad since ‘Again’, almost twenty years ago. A slight, uncomplicated production and a gentle vocal performance make ‘Nothing’ such a nice, easy listen, and I can’t help but notice the lyrics that coincide with ‘Nothing’ being one of Janet’s first releases since the death of her brother. From “the past is something I can’t change/It’s a brand new day” to “cherish every moment like it’s our last” – it becomes there is more to ‘Nothing’ than just a song quickly recorded for a soundtrack.

ROBBIE WILLIAMS & GARY BARLOW

‘Shame’

from the album In And Out Of Consciousness: The Greatest Hits 1990-2010

I don’t really care about the Robbie/Gary saga – boring – but ‘Shame’ is a great song even removed from its real-world implications. A slightly countrified ballad with light acoustic guitar and perfectly blended vocals, Bob and Gaz trade slightly awkward pleasantries, occasionally joining the other to emphasis a wise word or two. The opening line about the versions of the truth is one of my favourite lyrics of the year, the lyric about Toys-R-Us was misunderstood, I love the chorus and the video was amazing.

JANELLE MONÁE ft. BIG BOI

‘Tightrope’

from the album The ArchAndroid: Suites II & III

From the wail at the start you know ‘Tightrope’ is going to be something else, and with its sister ‘Cold War’ it forms the nucleus of The ArchAndroid. Big Boi steps in to give Janelle a hand but it becomes apparent she doesn’t need it. She commands the horns, struts all over the beat, and grabs you by the face and doesn’t let go until the song is over. And, as a bonus, “we call that classy brass” is surely one of the top 100 spoken word bits of 2010.

KANYE WEST ft. PUSHA T

‘Runaway’

from the album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Starting with a plink-plonk piano and developing into a dark, claustrophobic beat, Kanye West’s ‘Runaway’ is the centrepiece of Dark Twisted Fantasy, running for nine minutes. It is the child of sprawling epics like ‘Say You Will’ from the last album, but this is more inclusive, a singalong rather than a lament (though ‘Say You Will’ is still better). Thousands upon thousands of words have been written about ‘Runaway’ already, and there’s not much more I can add rather than saying that I didn’t think much of ‘Runaway’ when it debuted, but now hearing it within the album in its extended version, it all makes sense. ‘Power’ might be the “superhero theme music” but ‘Runaway’ is the dissection of the superhero mindset.

PINK

‘Raise Your Glass’

from the album Greatest Hits… So Far!!!

Yes, ‘Raise Your Glass’ is simple and plays into the fact that everybody likes to think of themselves as an outsider, as “wrong in all the right ways”. But when it sounds so good, who cares how transparent it is? Like a summation of the persona that made Pink the Queen of Australia and one of the biggest popstars in the world. From “dealio” to the bit where pretends to fuck up the lyrics, ‘Raise Your Glass’ is a hell of a lot of fun, made for blanket radio play and yet it still manages to feel like a secret thing just for Pink fans – ignoring the fact that everybody and their Nana is a Pink fan. So grab your Nana, raise your glass and play up any aspect of yourself you can find that goes a bit against the mainstream.

MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS

‘Hollywood’

from the album The Family Jewels

For those outside the country, especially those interested in the entertainment industry, America can look like a whole other world. Here, Marina deconstructs that obsession through storytelling and massive choruses, which is what she does best. “Hollywood infected your brain” she sings to a character in the verse, but then in the next few lines the tables are turned: it is, in fact, Marina who has been infected. The explosion of the chorus makes this more than just an intelligent pop song, it makes it a really fun one as well, and of course this has to be one of the greatest moments of the year: “Oh my god, you look just like Shakira/No, no, you’re Catherine Zeta/AKSHULLEE my name’s Marina”.

CHER

‘You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me’

from the album Burlesque: Original Soundtrack

What a thrill it is to hear Cher singing like this after almost a decade without any new songs. The best thing about ‘You Haven’t Seen The Last Of Me’ is the obvious real-world significance it has: at 64 and still working in an industry where 40 is considered over the hill, lines like “don’t count me out just yet” mean just as much to the queen of comebacks as it does to her character in Burlesque. There is a hint of vulnerability (“I am far from over” is a little shaky, as if she isn’t so sure herself) but it is that balance between uncertaintly and strength that makes this a classic, powerful Cher ballad that is fit to stand alongside ‘After All’, ‘The Way Of Love’ and ‘Just Like Jesse James’ in her catalogue. The dance remixes are incredible too.

KANYE WEST ft. RIHANNA, KID CUDI, TONY WILLIAMS, THE-DREAM, CHARLIE WILSON, JOHN LEGEND, ELLY JACKSON, ALICIA KEYS, ELTON JOHN, FERGIE, RYAN LESLIE, DRAKE, ALVIN FIELDS & KEN LEWIS

‘All Of The Lights’

from the album My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

Starting off with a haunting piano interlude, ‘All Of The Lights’ has received a lot of attention due to the ridiculous amount of artists credited (of which only like three or four are actually audible), but the real story is how good the song is despite all signs pointing to it being a mess. Rihanna leads the chorus, but Kanye steals his own show, exploring the problems of a questionable character not unlike the ones he explored back on The College Dropout. Using Michael Jackson’s death as the beginning of a spiral into darkness, ‘All Of The Lights’ is much darker that the title or family singalong vibe would allow you to believe.

TRACEY THORN

‘Oh, The Divorces!’

from the album Love And Its Opposite

Tracey described Love And Its Opposite as an exploration of “real life after forty”, and ‘Oh, The Divorces!’ was the first single and mission statement. Over a simple, sad melody, we hear internal conversations, public gossiping, investigations into missing text messages and finger pointing. The blame game is presented as a sport for groups of friends: “that one was his fault, and this one is her fault” – but the depressing reality beyond the initial shock is not ignored. “The honeymoon/The wedding rings/The afternoon handovers by the swings” might be the most depressing lyrical imagery I’ve heard in a long time.

The 100 Best Songs Of 2010: #90-81

December 15, 2010 Leave a comment

DAFT PUNK

‘The Game Has Changed’

from the album TRON Legacy: Original Soundtrack

One of the most thrilling little sections of the album, ‘The Game Has Changed’ charges forward in a storm of drums and strings, with electronic effects poured in at just the right times to make it all the more exciting. This perfectly captures tension and intensity, portraying a whole range of emotions and making this a clear highlight of a fantastic record.

LADY ANTEBELLUM

‘American Honey’

from the album Need You Now

This shares many elements with ‘Need You Now’ without sounding like a retread at all: the intertwined males and female voices, the pop approach with charming countrified twang, the impressive and catchy melody. It was a no-brainer for second single and became their third straight country number one and third straight single to reach the top thirty of the Hot 100. And they would have been the country crossover story of the year, if it wasn’t for that pesky Taylor Swift.

T.I. ft. CHRISTINA AGUILERA

‘Castle Walls’

from the album No Mercy

Oh boo hoo. That was my initial reaction to ‘Castle Walls’, in which T.I. and Christina Aguilera lament the life of the rich and famous, which really isn’t a subject many of us can relate to (although I’m sure it’s fascinating for them). I don’t think it will hurt this in the long run though, because as soon as you get past the theme you’ll find a worthy sequel to the melacholy classics that came from Paper Trail, ‘Live Your Life’ and ‘Dead And Gone’. Christina gives one of her most understated and emotional vocal performances, and shows a side of her voice that we don’t hear enough. In the grand tradition of ‘Love The Way You Lie’ and ‘Airplanes’, expect ‘Castle Walls’ to dominate radio in early 2011.

RIHANNA ft. DRAKE

‘What’s My Name?’

from the album Loud

This is the closest Rihanna has come to the light atmosphere of ‘If It’s Lovin’ That You Want’ and ‘We Ride’ since we all stood under her umbrella in 2007. ‘Rude Boy’ had the vibe, but it was still so aggressive. Here, she gives the man a chance to “go downtown” without forcibly pushing his head down there and then slapping him across the face with a giant dildo. No, it’s much more relaxed this time, and while Drake’s verse is still perplexing after multiple listens, ‘What’s My Name?’ will be remembered as the purest fun to be had on a Rihanna single since about 2006.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA

‘You Lost Me’

from the album Bionic

I love ‘Not Myself Tonight’ but this was still such a joy to hear as second single. In the grand tradition of ‘Hurt’, ‘Beautiful’, ‘I Turn To You’ and ‘The Voice Within’, ‘You Lost Me’ is a big ballad that makes excellent use of Christina’s obvious talents without shoving them down our collective throat. When I first heard Bionic I felt like ‘You Lost Me’ was just another one of the slowies, but it soon presented itself to be a truly amazing song, well written and with an almost perfect vocal performance.

ANNIE LENNOX

‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’

from the album A Christmas Cornucopia

I’d listen to Annie Lennox sing her own shopping list so it comes as no surprise that A Christmas Cornucopia was a joy to behold. Basically every track is a standout because they all employ that wonderful voice but ‘God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen’ is especially rich and beautiful, with big drums and big booming Annie and big everything else. Let’s face it, there aren’t many vocalists in pop these days that match her for versatility or pure raw talent. God bless ye Annie Lennox.

B.o.B. ft. HAYLEY WILLIAMS & EMINEM

‘Airplanes Part II’

from the album B.o.B. Presents: The Adventures Of Bobby Ray

The subject of much derision and parody across 2010, ‘Airplanes’ was a huge, huge hit, and is actually a very good song if you look past the overplayed hook (which is still really great even after all that overexposure). As I’ve shown in my love for ‘Castle Walls’ and will show in my love for ‘Love The Way You Lie’, I adore the sad-rapper-sad-female-popstar formula and it is yet to get old for me, especially when the songs are as good as this. Part II is obviously superior to the original thanks to Eminem showing up and making everything that little bit better like he always does.

NICKI MINAJ

‘Girls Fall Like Dominoes’

from the album Pink Friday

Anchored by a huge Big Pink sample which drives the song along, ‘Girls Fall Like Dominoes’ is another chance for Nicki to brag about anything and everything, but you know what? I love listening to Nicki talk about how great she is, because I really believe it. With some other rappers it gets tedious but certain artists keep finding interesting ways to tell us about their strengths. From the namechecking of everyone from Madonna to Beyoncé to Grace Jones to the excellent production from J.R. Rotem, this is one of the best songs on Pink Friday, even if it is “just” a bonus track.

JAY-Z, RIHANNA, BONO & THE EDGE

‘Stranded (Haiti Mon Amour)’

from the album Hope For Haiti Now

Hip-hop king Jay-Z, pop singer Rihanna and rock legends U2 (without the other two)? It seems like an unlikely combination but it works very well and symbolises the unity between genres that comes from an event like Hope For Haiti Now. Rihanna amusingly drowns out Bono a little bit but their joint vocals work very well, while the whole thing is brought together by Jay-Z’s verses. It’s great to hear a charity single that is not just a lazy cover. This was put together with a lot of thought by very talented people, and you can hear that clearly in the final product.

PINK

‘Fuckin’ Perfect’

from the album Greatest Hits… So Far!!!

Both singles from the Pink hits album have been outsider anthems for the ages. ‘Raise Your Glass’ was the one you scream along to, ‘Fuckin’ Perfect’ was made for nights when you feel extra melodramatic (i.e. every night for some of us). In the grand tradition of ‘Don’t Let Me Get Me’, ‘Family Portrait’ and ‘Please Don’t Leave Me’, this wheels out desperate, strained (vocal-wise, I mean) Pink, the one who is sitting on the ground crying, wearing a big tutu-style dress and too much eyeliner like it’s 2002 all over again. All of these things are positives, and ‘Fuckin’ Perfect’ slots in easily with the other classics on Greatest Hits.

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